The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
