She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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