I hate your face
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
