all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
