Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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