forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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