kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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