These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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