I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
