Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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