On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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