"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize