I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
