this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
