My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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