I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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