If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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