I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
