Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
