shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
