I hate your face
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
