whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
