He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
