so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
