I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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