Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
