Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
