I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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