my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
