I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
