stop calling my apartment porn island.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
