dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
