If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
