wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
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