Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Life is so much better after having sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
