Apparently you make a good broom.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
