I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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