and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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