Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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