You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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