We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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