As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
