i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
