Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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