someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
