So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
