In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
