Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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