Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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