My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
