The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
